Depressing thoughts at Midnight

So I have decided to really TRY and write my novel I found one that I honestly gave a good try a couple years ago. It was pretty good but I began over editing. I was snooping on a friends blog because I am egotiscal and wondering what she was saying about me and I found this awesome website for writers where you have to write a novel in a month. I thought this would be an awesome I idea. I am very good at getting my words on to paper it's when I begin reading everything over and start editing that I question my writing decisions. Something maybe this site will help me to stop doing.

I have been feeling judged lately. By everyone. I can feel the shifting in how people think about me. I do not like feeling like this wondering if I have friends or if they just keep me around to laugh and talk about me behind my back. I have always been a little unsure of myself and my standing with people as I have mentioned before. I worry that I will never have anyone I can just trust to love me outside of my family that lived with me the first 18 years of my life.

I wish I knew why I feel this way or why I care that I feel this way.

The best thing I have ever done is to be a mother. I feel bad sometimes like I am letting them down or like I am not doing the right thing teaching the right thing. But when my boys look at me with those big brown eyes I just know that I am going to keep on doing everything I can to make them safe and happy because for them I would do anything.

I feel lonely I am not sure I am doing the friend thing correctly. I want to invite people over I want to go places but I never seem to get invited back especially during the school year. I am running a spouses group and a playgroup to make friends and I still feel like I am just the boss and I am not being considered a friend which I miss having. I think I know when I cut myself off and I wish to not think about it this late at night because then I would never go to sleep.

As I write my novel I will post parts of it here to show you because while I may not have followers right now my hopes are that I will get some soon lol.