Depressing thoughts at Midnight

So I have decided to really TRY and write my novel I found one that I honestly gave a good try a couple years ago. It was pretty good but I began over editing. I was snooping on a friends blog because I am egotiscal and wondering what she was saying about me and I found this awesome website for writers where you have to write a novel in a month. I thought this would be an awesome I idea. I am very good at getting my words on to paper it's when I begin reading everything over and start editing that I question my writing decisions. Something maybe this site will help me to stop doing.

I have been feeling judged lately. By everyone. I can feel the shifting in how people think about me. I do not like feeling like this wondering if I have friends or if they just keep me around to laugh and talk about me behind my back. I have always been a little unsure of myself and my standing with people as I have mentioned before. I worry that I will never have anyone I can just trust to love me outside of my family that lived with me the first 18 years of my life.

I wish I knew why I feel this way or why I care that I feel this way.

The best thing I have ever done is to be a mother. I feel bad sometimes like I am letting them down or like I am not doing the right thing teaching the right thing. But when my boys look at me with those big brown eyes I just know that I am going to keep on doing everything I can to make them safe and happy because for them I would do anything.

I feel lonely I am not sure I am doing the friend thing correctly. I want to invite people over I want to go places but I never seem to get invited back especially during the school year. I am running a spouses group and a playgroup to make friends and I still feel like I am just the boss and I am not being considered a friend which I miss having. I think I know when I cut myself off and I wish to not think about it this late at night because then I would never go to sleep.

As I write my novel I will post parts of it here to show you because while I may not have followers right now my hopes are that I will get some soon lol.

Things I think about

So I am waiting for the livingroom floor to dry so I can go and clean the kitchen. I am going to type up my week right about now. This coming up week is my last week of work. I am going back and forth between feeling like I am doing the best thing for myself and family and feeling like a quitter and a bad role model to my sons. But in the end I really know I am doing the best thing for them. Since I have come down off my stress cloud I have been able to firmly get a grasp on Nate and some of his problems at school. He seems more happy like his old self and not as resistant or stubborn. Joe confessed to feeling jealous of the attention I give to other things so I am very very sure he is happy that I am no longer working this job any longer.

The spouses group I am running is really taking off I am hoping that this really will be a good support system for the spouses let behind duriong deployments or tdy's. Joe might be leaving again so that story is to be continued. I watched some movies this week so let me review them-

Henry Poole-I loved it I mean it was meaningful and poetic piece about faith and allowing other people enter your life without shoving anything down your throat. I felt like I knew Henry poole and had felt some of what he was feeling when I was angry at the world and sad and tired and left wondering...why me? I think if you are a fan of indie flicks and love movies that are about something you should see this movie.

Last Chance Harvey-I this movie made me cry...I hate crying during movies and I will watch this one again because watching the relationship between Harvey and his daughter and Harvey and the new person he was getting to know was very touching.This movie is a coming of middle age tale lol. He finally gets the message that there is more to life than hustling at a job you hate. I think this is another feel good movie that has funny parts but leaves you thinking about if you put your life in the right order and could you be gracious enough to admit that you may have gotten the first half of your life wrong to your child.

True Blood (series)- Alright now I watched this during a Boones farm filled night and I am telling you I am still on the fence about this movie. I mean it has sex and drugs vamps and a shape shifter I mean really can you get much better than that? I think so the over the top southern accents and acting should really turn me off. Also the cliff hanging episodes and the way it seems to be a grown up sexier twilight. But really I am gonna call it what it is ...mind numbing entertainment and I suppose I need some of that so I will be buying the season one and waiting for the season two.

Underworld three-I thought it was alright I mean it was nothing we didnt already know from the first two movies. I kinda wonder why there NEEDED to be a third to explain an already explained story cant we find out if the war ended and if the two people were able to be together?

Well I think Ithat is it for now I will be watching more movies and series this week during the various projects I do around the house. YAY!!! If any of you have a suggestion for a movie to watch let me know and I will get it and watch it